you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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