i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
