when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
did i just pee glitter
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
