how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
