Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
