a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
