How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
