I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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