We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
