shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
