my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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