I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
