your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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