My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
