I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
