I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
