Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
