matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
