i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
