all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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