The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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