I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
