Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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