How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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