At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
