The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
