My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
