I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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