I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
