Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
