guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
