I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
