Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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