It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
