If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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