Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
