I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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