I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
