I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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