Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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