someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
