the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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