mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
