and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
