On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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