just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
