checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
