Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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