peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
