discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
