Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
