WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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