this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
